Hold On, Pain Ends.

kuya knows how to make me smile.. 

i miss you jay. i miss you so much. I miss being able to tell you about my day, stupid stories, and my dreams. I miss everything about you. I know we stopped talking because that is what you wanted and I respected that but its been two weeks and my heart already aches from the thought that this is really it. we’re really never going to talk again. It makes me sick. This past year has been a bumpy one between us but we kinda just threw it away for nothing. Well in my eyes we did. Ugh it hurts so bad. i think about you every day. And I stare at my phone wanting to text you or call you but I can’t because you won’t answer or reply and even if you did, anything I would say wouldn’t even matter to you. We would still go our separate ways and be strangers again. I love you so much Jay. I hope you never forget that. And maybe one day fate will let our paths cross again and we can start over. I think the opportunity to go to HHI is fate telling me that if I work hard in this next dance competition then we will go to Vegas the last week of July and then I can tell you where I’ll be. And if i’m lucky… Maybe.. JUST MAYBE I will see your face in the crowd and know, this isn’t the end of us. 

If everything happens for a reason, then everything you do will eventually lead to something better. If there’s a rainbow after every storm, if you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, there’s only one way to go… Up. So don’t cry because things changed because it happened for a reason and it’s for the best.

Realizing the past is just a story that will never change is scary. It will always haunt you, good or bad. You can’t do anything about it. You can let it hold you bad or yo can grow from it but no matter what it never changes and you can’t really fix all the mistakes you’ve made… You can only try to move on and make it better from here on out.

I want to fall for someone again. Not like that quick, ‘let’s get into a relationship’ type thing, but a gradual, strong relationship. Where we first became friends, the best friends, then more. Because to me, a relationship stripped from all of the holding hands, kissing, and dates… Its a friendship. And within friendship you get trust, a strong bond, memories, laughs, and love. Whats a boyfriend without a friendship?

I’ve been really stressed out with trying to get my bestfriend to talk to me again but then I realized I can’t MAKE someone want to talk to me so I gave up. I miss the good times we had and I will alwayd love him to death but I can only hope this is just another phase we’re going through. I’m going to miss having him to call whenever I want to tell him my meaningless, stupid stories about my day and those calls we would just sit in silence and listen to eachother breathe. I guess this long distance frienship/love isn’t what I thought it would be. I’m trying to keep my head up and I know everything will be okay.

It’s always the best part. You don’t run out of things to talk about or tell each other since you don’t know anything about them. You get to learn their favorite things, their likes and dislikes. Their personality. The way they talk. The clothes they wear. Just everything about them. You get to learn new things each time you talk to them. You’re opening yourself up to someone new. With a fresh start. You can show them who you really are without any judgments because they know nothing about you. You discover new things about them and even yourself. Who knows, they could bring out something in you that you never knew you had.

I’ve tried everything to get your attention. To get you to see me in a different way. Nothing has worked. I guess it’s just time to move on because what’s the point in wanting someone who doesn’t want you back? What’s the point of trying to get someone to notice you if they aren’t even looking? I just keep hurting myself by getting my hopes up thinking, maybe, just maybe, I’ll have a chance when I clearly don’t. I guess it’s just time to let go.

You try everything to keep yourself from breaking. Hiding the fact that you’re weak and you’re about to break down. Trying everything possible to maintain yourself, but then it really hits you. There’s no point in trying to hide it now. Your throat tightens up and your eyes fill with tears. And that second you break, there’s no stopping it. The tears run down your cheeks and you’re gasping for air. You let it all out but after its all over, it’s time to pick yourself back up. No more holding back tears. Just become stronger this time. You’ll be okay.

If I see you talking to someone else of course I’m going to get jealous… I just want you for myself.